7 Habits of Successful People

The Habits

Habits are the intersection of:

Knowledge - What to do and why
Skill - How to do
Desire - Motivation, Want to do

Independence

Be Proactive
Begin with the End in Mind
Put First Thing First

Interdependence (working with others, not Dependent)

Think Win-Win
Seek First to Understand then be Understood
Synergize

Overall

Sharpen the Saw

Character Ethic (Enduring Principles)

Fairness
- The foundation of Justice
Honest and Integrity
- What Trust is built upon
Service
- Making a contribution/giving back
Quality
- Striving for Excellence and Improvement

Personality Ethic

Public Image
- Human and PR Techniques
Attitudes and Behaviors
- Positive and Mental Attitude (PMA)
Skills and Techniques

4 Life Support Factors

Security
- sense of worth, your identity, your emotional anchorage, your self-esteem, your basic personal strength or lack of it
Guidance
- your source of direction in life
Wisdom
- your perspective on life, your sense of balance, your understanding of how the various parts and principles apply and relate to each other
Power
- faculty or capacity to act, the strength and potency to accomplish something

Fulfillment in Life

Serve
Produce
Contribute in meaningful ways
learning/growing

There are times to teach and not teach

When relationships are strained and emotional, teaching may be perceived as judgment and rejection
Teach when alone, quiet, and the relationship is good
Intimidation (fear) builds weakness. Depends on external factors to get things done. When fear replaces cooperation, both people become illogical and defensive.

Things we blame

Genetics
Psychic - upbringing
Environment - people and situations that surround you

Management vs Leadership

Producers and Problem Solvers (Employees) - cutting through jungle with manchettes
Managers - behind employees, writing policy/procedure, sharpening the knives, set up schedules, compensation programs for employees
Leader - climbs the tallest tree, surveys the situation, yells "Wrong Jungle!".
- The busy, efficient, employees and managers respond "shut up, we're making progress!"

Habit 1: Proactive

Application Actions

Listen to your language and others around you for reactive language
- "If only"
- "I can't"
- "I have to"
Find an Example and how you would respond proactively
- behave reactively in the past
- remind yourself of gap between stimulus and response
- make a commitment to yourself that you have the freedom to choose your response
Pick a problem at work/personal life
- determine whether the problem ("control") is:
  - Direct - your behavior
  - Indirect - other people's behavior
  - No control - we can do nothing about
- ID the first step in control of influence then take that step
30 Day Test
- be proactive for 30 days
  - how we handle situations
    - how we view the problem
    - where we focus our energy
    - language we use/put out there
  - make small commitments and keep them
  - be a light not a judge
  - be a model not a critic
  - be part of the solution not the problem
  - don't argue for other people's weaknesses or your own
  - when you make a mistake: admit it, correct it, learn from it immediately
    - don't blame or accuse
  - work on yourself, things you can control
  - look at weaknesses of others with compassion, not accusation
    - issue isn't what they are doing/not doing
    - issue is your response to the situation and what you should be doing
    - if you think the problem is "out there", that thought is the problem
  - we are Responsible for our own effectiveness, happiness, our own circumstances
    - don't act out the scripts written by parents, associates, and society
- note the change in your circle of influence

Habit 2: End in Mind

Imagine being on deathbed, how do you want to be remembered? Work backwards
Develop a mission statement
- personal mission statement based on values
- organizational mission statements must involve everyone to develop

Mental (1st) Creation

Imagination:
- Envision - create in our minds what can't see presently
- See Potential
- Conscience - ID our own personal endowments

4 Human Endowments

Self-Awareness
Imagination
Conscience
Independent Will - Act not acted upon

Habit 3: First thing First

Physical (2nd) Creation

Fulfillment, actualization, natural emergence of Habits 1 & 2
Practicing Self Management: Day-in, day-out; moment-by-moment doing it
- Manage from Left Brain (Logic)
- Lead from Right Brain (Art)

Self Management

	Urgent	Not Urgent
Important	Necessity	Effectiveness
Not Important	Distraction	Waste

Necessity

Crises
Emergency Meetings
Last-Minute Deadlines
Pressing Problems
Unforeseen Events

Effectiveness

Proactive Work
Important Goals
Creative Thinking
Planning and Prevention
Relationship Building
Learning and Renewal
Recreation

Distraction

Needless Interruption
Unnecessary Reports
Irrelevant Meetings
Other People's Minor Issues
Unimportant Email, Tasks
Phone Calls, Status Posts, etc.

Waste

Trivial Work
Avoidance Activities
Excessive Relaxation
Television, Gaming
Internet Browsing
Time-Wasters
Gossip

Being Effective

Effectiveness focus is a paradigm that grows out of a principle center

if centered on spouse, money, friends, pleasure, extrinsic or self then will thrown into Necessities and Distractions. Will react to outside forces or impulses
be principle centered/personal mission/bigger picture (character ethics). Need self-discipline and motivation to avoid distractions and time wasters

Weekly Planning

ID your roles for the week (ie: worker, personal/individual, parent, spouse)
Select goals for the week
Scheduling - make time during the week to work towards achieving goals for the week
Daily Adapting - Things happen and need to review schedule every day to still achieve goals

Delegation

Gofer (Micromanage)
- "Go/do for this, go/do for that. Tell me when it's done"
- Too focused on methods and feel responsible for results
  - the person receiving the task may not feel responsible
- Most employees/producers still think like that once promoted
Stewardship Delegation
- Focused on results instead of methods
- Clear, up-front, mutual understanding, and commitment in expectations in 5 areas
  1. Desired Results
  2. Guidelines
    - few as possible, but include any restrictions
      - if don't give enough info and they violate rule unbeknownst, kills initiative and instills "just tell me what to do, and I'll do it"
    - be honest and open
      - if you know failure paths, let them know upfront
        tell them what not to do, not how they should do it
        ok to give recommendation on how I'd do it
  3. Resources
    - ID human, financial, technical, or organizational resources they may want to use
  4. Accountability
    - set up performance standards for evaluating results (what's it for? why do this?) and due dates
  5. Consequences
    - Good and bad as a result of the evaluation
      - rewards, new job assignments, natural consequences
- Gives people a choice of methods and responsible for results
- Takes more initial time investment, but can increase your time leverage via effective Stewardship Delegation
- Stewardship = job with trust
  - I trust you to do the job, to get it done. You're the boss of yourself now.
  - boss becomes the helper. may only have limited time, but employee tells boss how they can help
  - employee becomes the judge:
    - regular check-ins with the boss. Employee tells boss how it's coming along
- Trust is highest form of human motivation
  - takes time + patience + training/development (increase competency)
  - objective: empower the employee
- More work gets done in less time in the future
- Must want to manage, not just produce
- Focus on effectiveness not efficiency
- With immature employees - fewer results, more guidelines/resources/check-ins/immediate consequences
- With mature employees - more challenging results, less guidelines/check-ins
- Effective delegation is best indicator of effective management: basis of personal/organizational growth

Paradigms of Interdependence

Must master self independence/discipline first
- you can't talk your way out of problems you behave yourself into
- most important part we put into any relationship is not our actions/words, but what we are
  - if words/actions come from superficial HR techniques (personality ethic) others will sense deception
  - can't be trusted
golden eggs = effectiveness: the results from open communication, positive interaction w/others
goose = relationships: must create and maintain

Emotional Bank Account

the amount of trust that's been built in a relationship
- feeling of safeness with someone
Make deposit into EBA through kindness, courtesy, honesty, and keeping commitments to someone
- trust towards them increases
- can use that trust if make mistakes in future, reserves compensate
- must keep making deposits to maintain relationship
when trust in EBA is high, communication is easy, instant, and effective
Reduce trust in EBA:
- showing discourtesy, disrespect
- cutting them off
- overreacting
- ignoring
- becoming arbitrary
- betraying trust
- threatening
- playing god in your life
Once trust in EBA low, have to be careful with every word/interaction/PYA
- you may get tuned out
When relationship deteriorates:
- accommodation, 2 ppl live independent lifestyles and tolerate the other
- hostility, defensiveness, verbal fights, emotional withdrawal, self-pity, cold war, legal battles
Most constant relationships (ie: marriage) require most constant deposits
- with continuous expectations, old deposits are lost
- sometimes automatic EBA withdraws in daily interactions (ie: nagging)

6 Major Deposits

Understanding the Individual
- What might be a deposit for you might not be for someone else. May be a withdrawal
- To make a deposit: What is important to them must be as important to you as the other person is to you
  - what you may find unimportant may be very important to another person (ie: child)
  - stop projecting our autobiographies: interpret what a deposit is based on our needs/desires now or at a similar age/stage in life
  - understand others a you would like to be understood and do that
Attending to the Little Things
- small discourtesies/unkindness/disrespect = large withdrawals
- little things are the big things in relationships people remember most
Keeping Commitments
- keeping a promise = major deposit
- breaking one = MAJOR (biggest) withdrawal
- don't make a promise you can't keep
  - make them very carefully/sparingly
  - be aware of variables/contingencies that may stop from fulfilling
  - be true to your word
Clarifying Expectations
- unclear expectations in goals undermine communication and trust
  - leads to misunderstandings and large withdrawals
- many times implicit (ie: marriage) and are based on assumed roles
- get all expectations in a new situation. will be judged on those later
  - clarifying expectations takes a lot of courage and problems should be brought to the table and worked out
Show Personal Integrity
- generates trust and is the basis of deposits
- lack of integrity undermine all other efforts to create trust
- be honest, keep promises, and fulfill expectations
  - be loyal to those not present.
    - if you agree with gossip/criticism, suggest approaching non-present person together
      - builds trust even if honest confrontation not initially appreciated
      - you care enough to confront
    - may seem like a deposit, but a withdrawal. shows you can't be trusted
- to be trusted > being loved
- be patient with everyone - people will test your patience, so don't overreact
- avoid deceptive communication, guile, lack dignity
- apologize sincerely when we make a withdrawal (becomes a deposit):
  - I was wrong
  - That was unkind of me
  - I showed you no respect
  - I embarrassed you in front of everyone, it was uncalled for.
- repeated apologies are insincere = withdrawal
- mistakes of mind or heart (bad intentions/motives/cover ups/justifications)
  - people will forgive mistakes in lapse of judgement (mind) not theI heart
Laws of Love and Life
- unconditional love deposits -> let's others be themselves
  - not permissive/soft/pushover (withdrawal)
  - counsel, plead, set limits/boundaries
- if attach strings then others become reactive/defensive
  - rebellion from heart not mind
  - make constant deposits of unconditional love
- "It's more noble to give yourself completely to 1 individual than to labor diligently for the salvation of the masses"
  - most important to have strong relationships with those closest to you

P Problems = PC Opportunities

confrontation/talk it out = deposit in EBA
opportunity to grow the relationship like Danny Tanner

Habit 4: Think Win/Win

Principles of Interpersonal Leadership

whenever go from independence to interdependence, step into a leadership role
- effective interpersonal leadership = think win/win

6 Paradigms of Human Interaction

Win/Win
- cooperation not competition
- compromise is a low form of win-win
Win/Lose (competition)
- Most of Life teaches us Win/Lose (competition):
  - education - competition for grades, cooperation is cheating
  - sports - win/lose
  - law - suing in court
- No need to compete with spouse, children, coworkers, neighbors, friends
Lose/Win (pushover)
- worse than Win/Lose
  - no standards, expectations, vision
  - eager/quick to please, want acceptance
  - being a nice guy and giving up
- buried feelings - never go away
  - causes illness: respiratory, circular
  - bad feelings: resentment, disappointment, disillusionment, rage/anger, cynicism
    - affects self-esteem and relationship with others
- many people go between Win/Lose and Lose/Win - lack structure, direction, expectation, discipline
Lose/Lose
- Two Win/Lose people (stubborn, egotistical) always a lose-lose
  - want to get revenge
- philosophy of enemies, war, and misery loves company
Win
- as long as you get what you want
Win/Win
No Deal (agree to disagree)

Which is best depends on the situation. Most of the time you want cooperation in relationships (win-win)
Negotiation - Win-Win or No Deal
- try again later so no resentment
- works best in beginning of relationship, not always realistic No Deal

5 Dimensions of Win-Win

Character
- Integrity - Habits 1-3 develop/maintain
- Maturity - balance of Courage and Consideration
  - "ability to express one's own feelings and convictions balanced with consideration for the thoughts and feelings of others"
  - Win/Win: Be nice, courageous, empathic, confident, considerate, sensitive, brave

	Low Courage	High Courage
High Consideration	Lose/Win	Win/Win
Low Consideration	Lose/Lose	Win/Lose

Abundance Mentality - "There's plenty to go around"
- people with scarcity mentality
  - don't like differences (insubordination/disloyalty), prefer yes-men
  - difficult to function as a team
- deep sense of personal worth and security
- share: prestige, recognition, profits, decision making
  - appreciates uniqueness, inner direction, proactiveness of others
- public victory: working, communicating, making things happen together unable to do by themselves

Relationships
Agreements
Support Systems
Processes

Relationships

Trust (EBA) - basis of Win/Win
- without trust the best result is compromise
- lack credibility for open, mutual learning/communication, real creativity
- if EBA trust is high, credibility is not an issue and respect is mutual
  - can focus on the issues/each other's point of view, not on personalities
Dealing with a Win/Lose person
- relationship is key (focus on circle influence) make EBA deposits by:
  - courteous, respect, appreciation for that person and their point of view
  - longer communication, more listening, more expressions of courage
  - not reactive, be proactive
- stay strong, keep hammering it out until they realize you genuinely want a win/win
  - alternative is no deal or compromise
Bad character traits:
- reactive stance: say you support their decision, but don't really behind their back, and then say "oh it didn't work out"
- overactive stance: try to sabotage the outcome of their decision that you disagree with
- maliciously obedient: follow exactly as told, but take no responsibility for results

Agreements

Desired results - ID what needs to be done and when
Guidelines - specify parameters/principles/policies
Resources - ID human, financial, technical support available to help get results
Accountability - sets standards for performance/evaluation
Consequences - good/bad, natural/logical as a result of evaluation

Processes

Separate person from problem
- focus on interests not positions
- create options for mutual gain
- insist on objective criteria
4 Steps to Win/Win:
1. See problem from other point of view
  - give expressions to needs/concerns better than they can
2. ID the key issues involved
3. Determine what results = fully acceptable solution
4. ID new options to achieve those results
Character of integrity, maturity, and abundance mentality [from high trust relationships]

Habit 5: Seek to Understand, Then to be Understood (go last)

4 forms of communication

Reading
Writing
Speaking
Listening

We learn 1-3 in school/life, but need to listen more
must have good core conduct/character - others can sense duplicity and will distrust you by default

Empathic Listening

Most people listen with intent to reply instead of understanding
5 Listening Forms: Ignore, Pretend, Selective, Attentive (words only), Empathic (Feeling)
- be a shrink
- non-verbal: listen with ears, eyes, and heart
- listen for feeling, behavior, and meaning
rephrase content (logic) & describe/reflect how they feel (feeling)
- indulge them, don't judge/react
- use when responses are emotional
- if responses are logical then can ask questions/give advice
info gathering

Example Conversation

Son: "Boy, Dad, I've had it! School is for the birds!"

Dad: "You're feeling really frustrated about school"

Son: "I sure am. It's totally impractical. I'm not getting a thing out of it."

Dad: "You feel like school's not doing you any good."

Son: "Well, yeah. I'm just not learning anything that's going to help me. I mean, look at Joe. He's dropped out of school and he's working on cars. He's making money. Now that's practical."

Dad: "You feel that Joe really has the right idea"

Son: "Well, I guess he does in a way. He's really making money now. But in a few years, I bet he'll probably be ticked off at himself."

Dad: "You think Joe's going to feel he made the wrong decision."

Son: "He's got to. Just look at what he's giving up. I mean, if you don't have an education, you can't make it in this world"

Dad: "Education is really important"

Son: "Oh, yeah! I mean, if you don't have a diploma, if you can't get jobs or go to college, what are you going to do? You've got to have an education."

Dad: "It's important to your future"

Son: "It is. And you know what? I'm really worried. Listen, you won't tell mom, will you?"

Dad: "You don't want your mother to find out"

Son: "Well, not really. You can tell her, she'll probably find out anyway"

4 Autobiographical Responses (Talk about Ourselves NOT GOOD)

Evaluate - Agree/Disagree
Probe - Ask objective questions
Advise - Give objective advice
Interpret - Explain their motives

Then Seek to be Understood

Ethos: personal credibility, how people perceive your integrity and competency. Your trust level (EBA)
Pathos: emotional alignment, empathic/feeling with others
Logos: logic and reasoning

Habit 6: Synergize

Putting it all together, a little each day
Sum is greater than it's parts, but individual is most important

Communicate Synergistically

open to new possibilities/alternatives - fulfilling Habit 2
Requires personal security, openness, and sense of adventure
- not sure what will happen, but it will be better than before
- everyone can be genuine/authentic/inspired and express themselves freely because of trust and courage

Level of Communication

Synergistic (Win/Win): High Trust, High Cooperation
Respectful (Compromise): Some Trust, Some Cooperation
Defensive (Win/Lose or Lose/Win): Low Trust, Low Cooperation

Negative Synergy

Insecure people think others need to bend to their views
- don't realize strength in relationship is having another point of view
- essence of synergy = value differences

Value Differences

Everyone sees the world differently not as it actually is
- ex: old/young lady abstract picture
both people can be right doesn't have to be either/or

Habit 7: Sharpen the Saw

Take time to focus on renewing yourself: Physically, Spiritually, Mentally, Socially/Emotionally
- Best/Most Powerful investment is in yourself (Quad II/effective use of time)
For Organizations: Economic (Phys), Treatment of People (Social), Training/Development (Mental), Service of job (Spirit)

The Habits #

Independence #

Interdependence (working with others, not Dependent) #

Overall #

Character Ethic (Enduring Principles) #

Personality Ethic #

4 Life Support Factors #

Fulfillment in Life #

There are times to teach and not teach #

Things we blame #

Management vs Leadership #

Habit 1: Proactive #

Application Actions #

Habit 2: End in Mind #

Mental (1st) Creation #

4 Human Endowments #

Habit 3: First thing First #

Physical (2nd) Creation #

Self Management #

Necessity #

Effectiveness #

Distraction #

Waste #

Being Effective #

Weekly Planning #

Delegation #

Paradigms of Interdependence #

Emotional Bank Account #

6 Major Deposits #

P Problems = PC Opportunities #

Habit 4: Think Win/Win #

Principles of Interpersonal Leadership #

6 Paradigms of Human Interaction #

5 Dimensions of Win-Win #

Relationships #

Agreements #

Processes #

Habit 5: Seek to Understand, Then to be Understood (go last) #

4 forms of communication #

Empathic Listening #

Example Conversation #

4 Autobiographical Responses (Talk about Ourselves NOT GOOD) #

Then Seek to be Understood #

Habit 6: Synergize #

Communicate Synergistically #

Level of Communication #

Negative Synergy #

Value Differences #

Habit 7: Sharpen the Saw #